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Three F*cking Important Things To Do When The Heat Is Coming

By on January 17, 2013
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There are some things we need to know, these little things that we need to know bring us serenity, and if your knowledge then works when tested they will you a badass attitude, they will give you a reason to be a badass hot-cunt-bunny. These essentials are very important to know in these temperamental times, with mother nature getting more and more livid at us, and with all the beautiful creatures in this world that want a piece of your pie. Here are some non-doozie-ish thangs that you gots to know yo!

HOW TO TO DEAL WITH CROCODILES

Many people talk out of their bot-bots, for years I have heard that if a crocodile runs after you the best way to get the fuck away from it is to run in zig-zags, what applesauce! You have to run for you life and run in straight line. You need to be around 20 feet away from the amphibian in order to actually get away, because they are fast fuckers indeed. If by any chance you fall trip on a beaver mound, then you have to be ready to fight. I have always said there are three people that I would like to fight, they are Gary Busey, some ginger rapper kid, and a crocodile. Badass eh? If you are near water, the croc will try and pull you in, and then do the death roll, poking its eyes is an effective way to make the cunt release you. If your arm is in the crocodoodles mouth the best thing to do is push a flap down that is at the back of its throat, this flap is used to prevent water from going in for when its submerges, push the flap down and water will go down its throat, and it will it let go of you. Boom! Yeah boy!

TO GIVE A WOMAN NOSE JOBS

Fortunately and fortunately there are four types of women out there, ones that are clit-stimulated only, ones that are penetrated-stimulated only, and ones that are clit and penetrated-stimulated, there’s also girls that are none of these (because of uncle bad touch). Anywhoo! For the clitty girls to excite them first you have to be great curling your tongue like Gene Simmons would do, though what is even more effective is the nose job, once you can use you nose (or let a man use his nose on you), you are fine. You and north and south and so the circular windmill motions with your nose, while you do the Gene Simmons lick here and there, to give a good nose job you need to have a good nose. Believe it or not  female Ashkenzai Jews noses work well as they have a good slop (Barbara Streisand would be awesome), though english ski jump noses also work pretty god damn well too.

HOW TO SURVIVE AN AVALANCHE

This has haunted me ever since I saw the look on the old Canadian Prime ministers Pierre Trudeau’s face when his son Michel was killed in an avalanche, when the waves of snow come down and bury you, you have no sense of direction, many people dig the wrong way and not to the surface, and die. You have to try and dig an area around your face and spit to see which direction the saliva goes in, and giving you an idea of which way is up. You will have to do this very quickly since the air supply will be limited. You see. Fucking psychics will save the day buddy!

HOW TO PARTY ONCE THESE THREE ESSENTIALS ARE TESTED AND A FACT, AND YOU ARE LUCKY TO BE ALIVE

Whether you are male or female you need to find a company that looks like this, a whole lotta woman. In these times a busty bubba is nice to have around, be happy to be know these three cute-ish life saving things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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